Beep Beep

Semester coming to a close...it feels like pending doom. doom. doom. doom.

Flies in a web

Exploring dangerous territory, I am. Don't go there, they said. But I'm going to go there and I'm coming back with all limbs intact! So what's a few broken hearts? Nothing new, I say. I'll just play this game until I'm bored or until I lose - but be warned, there is no winning. The coffee shops and local bars of this metro area will be my stage. We'll say our lines and make our exits. Tomorrow there will be another play.

Fools - we are all just fools in life's masterpiece and I, the foolish juggernaut. I have no qualms with that. Although the fool is an imprudent character who shows no concern with proper judgment, don't let my colorful outfit deceive you. These bells are made to distract you. And this smile is made to persuade you. I am only as innocent as you think it. As free of guilt as I can maneuver.

Still, you can't blame the fool for fooling you. It'd be improper and rude to turn folly's double edge against a friend like that. I mean only to play and play to have fun. To make laugher in the lives of me and mine. Don't deny yourself that, if you ever shared a moment of it. Have the sense to know that if you're not up for the games, don't make a wager with the jester.

When I see the prize I want, I barrel through any obstacles to obtain it. To hold it in my hands and shelter it with my smile. And when I see another trophy, the change in my trajectory might trample some things underfoot. Chances are that I wouldn't even notice what I leveled in my wake. Even if that was something I previously cherished (Well it aint no more!). My fancy is fickle and my attention span minimal, but I'll always remember my affections ... for my blood meals. ;)

Testing. Testing. 6 6 6

I think it's time for a moral reality check. As much as I'd like to ignore all my ethical trespasses, I can't bring myself to do so for much longer. It only takes until the night, when I'm alone, long enough for me to stew on my actions to know what I did was wrong. Lord, I'd like to ignore so many things. The path to atonement starts with owning your sins. I must admit, I've done somethings -many things, wrong. I'm not just guilty for my actions, but it's my intentions will be what condemn me.

I know better but seldom do I act better. If I can put space between whats right and wrong, chances are I will justify the shit out of them until they some how seem less bad - arguably better. I use to live by a moral code of conduct. I've always kept the three fold law close to my heart. So when I know I did something to another that would break my heart to pieces if done to me, I begin to feed this fear within. Setting myself up for severe pain, so much that I cause my own to avoid another imposing it on me. Funny the way karma works. I've consistently been on the lookout for other people hurting me, but I've been punishing myself for years.
Still, even with all this guilt, paranoia, and remorse - there is a big part of me that tells me I will most likely go on sinning the way I enjoy. What is so wrong with me that I don't have to will to quit hurting people? Am I really that selfish? When it comes down to it, do I have a container for my soul? If I didn't know, that would be one thing. But I know better, I know I'm hurting people and myself in the process. I know it's not worth it. Still, I continue to do it. I continue to feed the monster bits of my flesh. It's never enough, its hunger consuming. In the end will I be skin and bones, or will it want those as well?

You and me and me in you

1.

Ready? Steady, Go!

You're pace is much too slow!

If you got into this race

Don't you forget to replace

That old shoe for the other

Maybe one from your mother

it'd break her heart

to watch you fall

From the dreams

that made you tall

And made you strong

To make you whole

Around the world we'll steadily go

Searching for the finish line

Will you try to be here by dinner time?

2.

I could be blind

I could be deaf

still I'd know you if you left

the smallest remainder of your self

I'd still recognize it in one guess

It's because I love you best

My dear friend, my old foe

in foolish competitions

as in rowdy digressions

For who else could there be

For me to waste most all of eternity?

3.

Old man methodologies

Meteors govern astrology

Spinning a thick narrative

Did he ever forgive her for

her audacious perspective

she'd never back down

he'll never stand up

The stars aligned in a stand still

While planets collide at will

Surrounded in an apocalyptic convocation

of these two spirits volatile delegation

Can you guess your number?

A timeline in a coffee stain

My face is warm. My hands are cold. I'm at the coffee bean, where random musicians come and go. Sometimes strangers, sometimes weirdos. Sometimes ex-boyfriends, sometimes new friends. Most times just the barista and the smell of freshly baked goods. Endless cups of coffee and my pen for company. I come here to be alone sometimes, but alone amongst people. Alone but for my thoughts. I like to come here and just observe, I'd like to avoid speech if possible. I like to make up stories of the stranger sitting adjacent from me. What's his story, where's he from. Where is he going and can I follow him? I've followed many strangers out of this place. Sometimes into alleys. Sometimes to their cars. Sometimes to the bar.

I still think of Bob once in a while. I met him my first year in college. He told me stories, clearly lies. I went a long with them, asked questions in fascination about his travels to the Arctic. I knew he was a homeless bum. He took his baths in the fountain, always kept the mugs for coffee later, and only purchased chips for 50 cents. I could always count on him to be here when I just wanted some company. Once he showed me into the back garden of a church where we smoked a joint. I haven't seen Bob in quite a few years. I wonder where he lays his head now. I once made the mistake of sitting behind him when we gave him a ride and he smelled like month old rotting socks...if socks could rot.

I met one stranger, who's name I can't recall. I think it was Jeremy. He introduced me to Lisa when I followed him out to the barn. The first night I met her, we got naked under the light of a full moon and jumped in to the warm water. I met a bipolar crazy here, we talked about nothing important to me and vital information to him. After two hours, he swore his love and asked for my hand in marriage. I later met John, in a loose association. Should have known.

Now, I bring strangers here and if I like them enough, I might lead them into a dark alley. My exams - all taken. Not another set for at least a month. Derek appears from the doorway and brings with him a hoard of new strangers. With nothing better to do, no class tomorrow, I think I'll just follow them to whatever bar stool they land on. Coffee is magic and I won't remember their names twenty minutes from now.

RIP David Simmermon

Our revels are now ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-cappd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded in a sleep.

Let it be

I have simple needs. My wants may seem a little complicated, but they're on par with my needs. I don't want anything I don't need. My needs consist of food. My want is that I have someone to cook and dine with. I like to cook in knee socks and gym shorts. I need shelter and a dry place to lay my head. I want to be kept warm, in a fort I constructed with someone I love. Out of an equal ratio of my blankets and his. I need hot water for my tea. I need live music for my feet. I need constant stimulation. I need a fuzzy thing to cuddle with. I need my family with me always. Besides that, what more could I ever want?

If something with the magic of ways could grant me a few things I'd want, they'd be simple. Firstly, I'd like it to be Friday already and for that shitty little biochem midterm to be aced. I'd wish to be in the company of my crazy ladies on a Saturday night, leading me by the arm into the source of the booming sounds and writhing bodies. Lastly, I'd wish more then anything I could keep Shelly healthy and beside me, always and forever. Until we both grow old and grey, surrounded by the things we spawned, with the loves of our lives, and each other. I'm coming as soon as I can, my sister.

Leave it alone

The rapist is the hero and the lady is the tramp.
That's how the story goes.
But let me tell you something, sir. Heaven knows.
Your tall tales won't reach the gates
The slow descend to hell is what waits
for the man with no soul to account
A human shell, moral discount
Born dead before conception
The devil will wait for you
at your reception.