Scholastic Rapture!

It's coming so soon. SO SOON. Last set of finals for my undergraduate career coming to a bittersweet close. I feel like I'm breaking it off with an long time lover. It is a breakup, for sure. Sadness? None. Just a little nostalgia around the rim. Makes the picture fuzzy as I recall all that time spent feeding my head. All the blood, sweat, and tears. Long hours into the night, toiling, toiling, toiling, and nothing more. Sometimes avoiding the text. Most times spending those nights wrapped up in my orgy of books. Nothing in my non substantial life has fulfilled me so, driven me to tears, and encouragingly pushed me forward. Nothing.
My college days were typical in some ways, but not really what I expected. To be honest, I never expected to make it this far. Held my expectations low to the ground thinking that I'd just get an excusal piece of paper and get the fuck out. To do what again? Who knows what my 18 year old heart was thinking then...just that I had to run away to some place. That somewhere far away would be what I needed to find. I'd chance it.
It's by the grace of the Gods and no other that I have been delivered here. Saw the source of the shadows and tracing the walls of the tunnel I've found a way out. Honestly, I think it was more then serendipity that opened doors for me. Intervention of some ethereal kind that directed my eyes towards the audacity to believe in myself. I remember the exact moment, the way my eyes popped and my heart flared, when I saw what would be my guide during troubled times.
Einstein said something that's been sticking close to my heart/brain hybrid organ. He said that if he had gone to graduate school immediately following his undergraduate, he would not have had his sense of creativity that aided in discovery. That if he had gone the typical course 1.2.3 he would have learned what others learned. Did what others did. That he would either have to publish or parish. I take these words to heart. No sense boldly rushing into things, boldly going no where. If my heart is not in it, I will not go! If it take me several years of searching to find that subject that tugs at my heart strings and I never happen to find it, I will abandon my idea of graduate school. There. I said it.

Oh college days, so soon I'll be going away. Leaving you to your younger lovers as I go on the chase. Growing up and going on to the next place. What will be in store for me? The world? The sea? The rest of eternity? This time I'll be more prepared, to see the chances where I choose to care. Tee Hee <3

Final's Nuclear Reactor

This has been a horrible week. The one that starts a day away, will be even worse. Maybe I'm just telling myself it's going to be one day worse then the next, when in reality it is not...and I'm just trying to deceive myself into a pleasant surprise by the end of all this. Lord, I'm not sure. All I know is that this whole process is taking chunks out of my composure - physical and mental.
I don't think I've ever had so many finals in one week. Coagulation lecture and Lab on Monday. Those case studies are going to FUCK UP my shit...I'm scared. She's going to give us test results and we're going to have to figure out diseases from that. Normally I like problem solving like that. It's actually easy in theory - you look at each test, figure out what is abnormal, based on that you match it up with what the malfunction in the correlating disease. Easy right? ONLY if you know the theory behind the test and REMEMBER the underlying cause of the disease. I, however, closed out the bar two weeks in a row and neglected to study these important aspects of the class. Oops.
Tuesday is a little better, I only have biohazardous training to go to for work. It's a hour long lecture and just eats up my time. Chances are I will sleep through half of it, if not more. That'll give me ONE day to study for molecular and virology, because I have to spend more time on biochem. Wednesday molecular, Thursday virology, Friday The Dreaded Biochem. Then I'll be free.
Friday. My last day of undergraduate finals. I won't have finals for a long time to think about. I can't wait to graduate and be a legitimate professional. I've been all sorts of worried about what I'm going to do after graduation, academic wise, and I've decided I should probably do nothing for a while. I need time to chill the fuck out and get my panties out of the bunch that's been there for 5 goddamn years. Christ, that's a life-threatening wedgie. Since I'll have a job, thus the income to run away, I'm goin to live it up. Invest in the important things, like music, shoes, leather, just to name a few. I'm done cultivating my brain. I think I'm going to focus my energy on ME and do what the fuck I feel like. Fuck everybody and their opinions, they can eat it!

If it wasn't for you

I was hurtin today. Real bad. The kind of hurt that grabs at your breath. Pulls composure right up out from under you. I was in a world of hurt today, no amount of boo-hooing shed an ounce of resolution. None of my tears could wash away the decades, neither could they fill the void. My tears could replace the Pacific, but that's all they could do. Well...I guess they did do something else.
As my tears dripped off my face, they spelled out in morse code a cry for help and cast it off into the universe. Hearing my SOS, it replied in an overwhelming demonstration of love. It's amazing how even in some of my lowest points, I always get what I need. If even when through the muddled vision of sorrow I can't see, there will be a dozen hands to lead.
It's amazing how my dearest know. Like they coordinated amongst themselves what order to call me. I got 5 calls in a row. Had to say goodbye to answer the next. Now I have plenty to look forward to after this finals shit is over. I get to spend some quality time, instead of using my usual line "Can't, I have to study".
Love. It's the word of the day. Tiffany delivered good news. The baby will be born sometime around my birthday. My little goddaughter! She'll be born the year of the tiger, like me! I can't wait to see what hour she will arrive into this world. I can't wait to welcome this little critter to the vastness of possibilities.

Good girls doing bad things

I need to regurgitate thought and make some room for coagulation. Not sure where to begin. I am strangely calm for such a hectic time in the semester. Could be because this feeling is shared with some of my nearest and it's always soothing to know others are with you: when you want to cry, when you're not sure where to go, when you feel so alone. I will probably not be this put together come tomorrow.
Good talks are hard to come by. People who you can vent to are even scarcer. My endurance come from the friends and people I surround myself with. They feed the good juju that my little body engine runs on. They don't know how much it means to me that they've made room for me in their hearts and their families. To make me their sister, their child's godmother, their bridesmaid this summer.
Lately I've been pondering what is more important? Obligations to family and community or the pursuit of personal happiness. One is more selfish then the other, but I can't decipher this from that. I suffer from an excess of love, like I should be sorry that I do things for my own sense of peace. Peace. Maybe that trumps everything else? You can almost pinpoint where I'm tearing in half with indecision.

So in lieu of this personal conflict I've constructed a (very personal and secret) project. It won't be easy for me to do, since it's so easy for me just to do as I please. Indulging every carnal pleasure has been my track record. Still, I think if I can achieve this I will be more at peace. If everything works out as I hypothesis, we will all be happy in the end!**

**When I say we I chiefly mean you and me
Shit, can't make the whole world happy.