Who Knew?

She Rides - D:fuse & Joy

She like open scene

She like vision dreams

She like giving into pleasure when the sprit fiends

She like overdrive

She like it when I ride

She like break in to something when the movements right

She like setting the pace

She like it in her face

She like it warm when it’s cold running through her veins

She like pleasure steals

She like when I feel

She like changing up the energy

When I wanna drill

She like open scenes

She like vision dreams

She like giving into pleasure when the sprit fiends

She like over drive

She like it when I ride

She like breaking into something when the movements right

she like over come

she like when youth feels wrong

she like breaking up monotony and climbing the walls

she likes getting excited

she want it all the time

So, if it’s alright with you brother,

she wanna ride.

I have all this energy and nothing to do with it except to sit and study. It's burning me up! I want to leave so fast I leave a trail of flames behind me. Let those flames lap up the pages of my books. Please let me go!

The way of my will

I want to run away. I'd like to land in open arms. It's going to happen one day, but it seems today makes it hard to visualize tomorrow. Don't mind me, it's just the mental exhaustion speaking. I guess I realized today I'll never be happy with just one thing. I've got to have everything and to some degree of abundance. My ego will have nothing less.

I'll do it all one day. Everything that I set out for and all the things my heart dreams. Some day far away I'll sit back in my rocker. A cup of tea and a gentle breeze, all I need for a good day dream. Stories of my youth, etched in wrinkles that mark my skin. Essays of my accomplishments. I'll write a book as soon as I am able. I'm going to do it all by the end of my days.

While I was writing a cover letter, I realized that I sound like a crazy dreamer. Some could take that as a scatter brain, which is not something I'd like a possible employer to think. So I had to limit parts of myself for the sake of job security. To be honest, it killed me a little bit. Why do people doubt the possibilities? Carl Sagan said it right. We've been discouraged as children to ask the right questions. Conditioned to avoid the chase of our ideal visions. I will have none of that.

I don't care what the world has to say. By the end of all this, you'll see what I'm made of (and that's very tough stuff). I'm very familiar with both physical and mental labor and fatigue is a friendly foe of mine. Regardless of your doubts and what you see as a shameful waste of my time, I'm going to do it anyways. The only thing I see is that I am willing to give up simple first world luxuries where you can't seem to find it in you to care about another human being.

This is where I'm being a dreamer: I feel it in my bone (marrow). I'm going to find what I need, but it won't be here. I'm going to run away, but I'm not running away. That's just how I move - fast. I'll be back in due time for I have people to take care of. It's my duty, but I still have a duty to myself. Forgive me when I make you unhappy. Find it in your heart to love me when I leave you.

Serene Dream

My blessings don't disguise

Rather they imitate the fool on parade

Hand in hand for the masquerade

until the sun falls to meets the horizon

I went and I stood beside them

In a harlequin gown made from old names

Stitched together by Folly's maids

Dance until the time strikes twelve

Take a step back and give a bow

Cast a spell just long enough to allow

One last ballad for an inviting soul.

Stump Side

Be mine, I've been yours
You asked me once
but I ignored
In fear of senseless trickery
to be the jokes epitome
I turned my face so you won't see
The blush envelop on my cheek
It's hard to hid this foolish glee
When you spoke ever so softly
of promises so treacherous
A fickle heart forced to contest
Between the space of here and later
Hangs a heart by twice used strings

Shared Stories

Postsecret

10-18-09

Voodoo Magick

I woke up this morning in the middle of a zombie dream. It was a semi-serious one, as opposed to other zombie dreams I've had that are sometimes silly. In this one I was running, as it was. We had finally found refuge an second story of a house. To our fortune, we found packages of mac & cheese. Oh, we were delighted. While we enjoyed little things during the day, like TV and other privileges from our life before the outbreak we laughed and ate. For some reason, there was little danger during the day and it was the night that needed to be feared. (I notice now that the symbolism of the night in my dreams often becomes an omen.) As dusk approached I warned my companions and suggested we turn things off and retire. Soon after we did that, the new person became alarmed and said "they're coming". He began to pack his things and in my alarm I also started compiling a light travel bag. I remember thinking, "I'll need chapstick". The two people I was with in the beginning refused to leave the cheese they found and decided to stay. I heard the sounds of the advancing dead and then I woke up. 7:54 A.M. Time for me to get out of bed and get to class.

I did little else today except finish my new novel. I was in a rush to finish it so I could focus on what I should be doing: studying hematology and mycology. Although I really wanted to read the book, I dreaded each turn of the page. The antagonist of the book was consistently getting fucked over. One thing after another her life kept getting worse. I would skim ahead to make sure that my dread was not confirmed. It made me angry to read it and even left a bitter, hateful aftertaste in my mouth.

Maybe this is why I feel so strange today. Not myself I say. Certainly, not myself.

Universal street signs

I'm in the middle of an updating-my-resume-break. I look pretty good on paper, I might say myself. Under my current employment history, it's a bit fuzzy what I should write for Dr. Akins lab. I haven't started the job yet...so it should be brief? This is what his profile at the med school website says:

"Antifungal drug resistance in Candida albicans. As a eukaryote, this opportunistic yeast pathogen is resourceful and diverse in finding ways to evade inhibition by antifungal agents. These include mutation in target genes, mutational or regulatory activation of target and compensatory pathways, drug efflux, and unknown mechanisms. We developed an overexpression system for identification of genes that alter antifungal susceptibility and are inventorying these genes and their effects by RT-qPCR and microarray."

I can't wait to get started. Sometimes I read these Doctors publications and just get blown away by the work they do. How inspirational! Imagine, if one day I too could contribute such important work to the world. It takes a different kind if person to be able to complete such a rigorous program of study and commit to such a narrow (but endless) area of interest. Kudos to all the PhD and doctors of the Earth.

I said before and I stand by this still, if I could only be a stepping stone in history - I'd be okay with that. I just have to keep my chin up, work hard, and keep dreaming. One day, I could inspire someone the way my mentors have inspired me. I am so grateful, so blessed, to have been lead in this direction. Thank you Dr. Peduzzi for being so kind to me these last few years!

"The main focus of the lab is to develop treatments in experimental animal models and help advance these therapies to clinical trials. The most promising treatments include adult stem cells or tissue, matrix materials as a substrate for growth, delivery of growth factors using gene therapy, methods of increasing cellular metabolism, and scar disruptors. By using one's own cells, the problems of uncontrolled growth, rejection, disease transmission, and ethical issues are avoided. Most of the lab’s current effort is directed at chronic, severe spinal cord injury. This lab is probably one of the few labs in the world that specializes in large scale investigation of combination treatments of spinal cord injury that is chronic, severe and contusive. However, the treatments under development should be equally useful in treating head injury, retinal degeneration and other disease and injury states. Techniques used in the lab include behavioral testing, immunohistochemistry, and intrathecal delivery to rats and mice." -Dr. Jean Peduzzi-Nelson

Don't hold my place

It calls and I follow. For what do I have to do tomorrow?

A perpetual search for the frame of mind.

Is it right and logical to seek truth in the divine?

Dictionary of words with no definition.

I'll surrender to my mother's superstitions.

It's by the bassline I choose navigate,

the contours of this body to manipulate.

On waves of sound this conscious rides

Breaching the cerebral precipice to collide

With the beauty of an endless night.

Sheep's Wardrobe

Walking out of work today, I breathed the remainders of a memory. The fall is on it's way, pulling itself over us like a comforter. Painting all the leaves in playful shades. It's getting colder and the winds are getting stronger.

I thought back to a year ago and I'm so glad it's been long gone. I'm walking out of an old place and it's time now. For all the things I only ever imagined in the secret moments before slumber. When my barriers have fallen victim to sleep and only then am I able to wonder.

The things around the corner are no longer monsters. Just strange creatures draped in a curious cloak. That were shadows before I awoke and now I've finally begun to see all the possibilities. I'm not as scared as much as I am hesitant to be so naive. As to accept gifts from a harlequin.

How they shine. How they sparkle. Glamor me into tempestuous surrender. I'll take it now! I'll can't hold out. I want this thing. I'll pay the price. Oh, only if it could really be so nice.

Ready

Exceptional

1. I got the job in Akins lab.
2. Parasitology exam went well. I feel bad for my professor, nothing went as planned today. Including shorting us 25 questions b/c of technical issues, getting kicked out of the room mid exam, and coming late.
3. Finally got the moldavite I wanted. Although a little out of my budget, I ultimately got it because it was growing warm on me. Strange emission of heat, I felt it was connecting to me.
4. Got to run to the med school to turn in some paper work. Going to get myself into this lab ASAP!
5. Telling my slimy boss: I QUIT!

Exit Stage Left

It's time to let her go. Current times are of utmost importance and I can only surround myself with people who will lift me up. Like any relationship, I need friends who will grow with me. Not the lives of stagnant people, still in the little pond they can't swim out of. Like still water, it's easily polluted. Insects lay their larva, bacteria divide and proliferate. Infective footprints, that's what I'm comparing Kelly to. Her mark on my life will never be the fresh running water the thirsty will want to drink from. To keep her in my life would only leave the possibility my thirst would drive me to drink from contaminated water.

I can feel her silent hate. Don't think because you won't bring yourself to say it, that I can't read it all over your body language. Why pretend we are friends when you've vocalized your desire to see me tumble from the foundation I've made for myself? She once said to me while I was helping her hold up her passenger side window, "I hope that glass falls and breaks so it'll cut your face and you won't be prettier then me." WTF kind of person would say that?! Especially while I am in the middle of HELPING you!

For a year, maybe more, I had decided we couldn't be friends although we did still talk. She would confide in me that she was depressed and because of that I decided to help her. That if she needed a friend to be there, to pull her out of it, I would do that for her. Perhaps it is because I myself have been in deep endless melancholy that has filled up my days. It's a hard place to be and sometimes what you need to hear are the words of friends. To say they care. That they'll always be there.

However, I won't be there anymore. You have never been there for me. You try to guilt me when I tell you I have to study and you hate me when I speak about good things in my life. I tell you the progression of my education and my professional life and you say to me "Oh you think you're so smart." - Well bitch, I AM smart. Smart enough to distance myself from ill wishing.

It's not like I didn't work hard for everything I have. I've worked hard enough for both of us (have you forgotten the reason you passed bio was because I provided for you a term paper?). Don't hate me because I am doing well for myself. Don't hate me because I don't hate you. Still, I have to bid you adieu. You're not good for me and I'm just too good to you. I know who my true friends are. Regretfully, you are not among them.