Learning

August 30th

Postsecret

It starts next week.

Don't listen to me. Listen.

Hate is a mask for sadness and underneath sadness is love. Regardless of my understanding,it's hard to control. I gave myself a headache from the screaming. I broke a nail down to the bed while throwing a chair around the room. Don't ask me to stop. It'll only feed the animal.

I feel like most the time I have all my emotions caged, pretty sufficiently too. Like my own petting zoo. Mamma Fortuna's midnight carnival. I am a monkey with a twisted foot disguised as a marvelous beast. There are few who can see me through the illusion. Mirrors have no power here.

"You're name is a golden bell I've hung in my heart,

I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."

Just have to keep forward

Neglect understanding, it's the easiest avenue. What is it about my sour moods that make me want to turn into a hellion? Like one moment in time and the switch is made. I go from sweet apple pie with a slice of cheddar to a raging beast. A beast that nurtures it's aggression like it's young. I've been keeping control of my anger, but today it's been harder to hold. It's one of those moments where I stop myself from acting because I know the result will be a massacre. I lay there and imagine putting the heel of my foot into the bridge of your nose. To destroy the things you take value in with a base ball bat. I want to destroy people and the things they love, especially if that extends into family. That one saying, death is too good, is the basis of my thoughts. That's why I've included your extended love ones into my target audience.

I wish I could stop this feeling from consuming me whole. I'm not myself when I feel this way. I can't control my thoughts and the consequence of my actions leaves scar tissue. My head is so chaotic I can't speak. I can't think. I can only suppress my urges to relieve my anger by killing something. Or get stoned. I could get stoned. I could hurt myself.

That's the thing. People want me to go to them when I'm this way. It's such a sad repetitive behavior that my friends pick up on it and threaten me if I don't go to them. At such a time, how can they expect me to know the way to them? I'm lost in the forest and no one's giving me the fucking map and where the hell am I?

Academic Avenue

I tried to do this yesterday but I was too stoned to commit to sentences. Things have been happening in my life in questionable consecutive coincidence. It's another one of those moments that leave me stunned in wonder. Sudden realization had left my heart racing. It's pounding beats lulling me into a euphoric calm. Just as sudden, I saw myself at a crossroads and I knew with all clarity, which path I needed to follow.

I need to take the road less trodden upon. Pack my bags for academia. My romances can wait. This takes a lot of explaining and back story which I don't have time for. Someone just promised me a blunt and sadly I must cut this encounter short. I leave you with this:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.