Battle Ready

Howling at the moon brings trouble. This recent wolf moon pulled the tides in the wrong direction, energies were whipping out of control. It was like watching dominos fall. By the end of the night, I was a bloody bitchy mess. Curious how things happen in consecutive coincidence. Curious indeed. Still, I've said it once and I think it still, I get everything I need even if I might not want it then. I guess I have an acute sense of where the silver lining is drawn. So here's my battle plan: RETREAT! I am no coward, don't you dare think it. I just know right now I need to keep this mortal body in anticipation for the next good fight. I think it best to just fall back and let my love ones rejuvenate me.
These next few months will be long and grueling. I decided I will not give up the job at the lab. I'll just cut out of my social life to make room for it. I have committed myself, so I can't back out now. I just have to learn how to build stamina and hold resolve. 40hrs of interning and 20 hours of working two different jobs. Sounds not so bad, but I get physically exhausted by the end of the day. Maybe it's because I try to pull 12 hour days 4 days out of the week. Oh well, what am I goin to do about it? Cry? Only if I can work through the tears. No time I say, no time! No time for lollygaging. Phase two of my battle plan is to start cutting people off. Sorry and so long! ;)

But this one, this one is tied to me:

Leashs, inches, and cookies

Good then bad. Bad then better. Can't stay down forever. Money is on it's way and even though it's not in my pocket yet, the 3rd degree burns are. This past birthday weekend I took it easy in comparison to all my previous birthday bashes - there was no bashing my face on anything this time. A little sweat never hurt nobody, but someone gets hurt anyways. What am I suppose to do about it? Care? Highly unlikely.

Today sucked hard and I wish I could pinpoint why. My practical was graded. I got an 88% which is not bad by any standards (except Asian) but still served to irk me. Really pissed me off. I had a hard time containing my thoughts from going to the deep end and beyond. Today was my first day hating something that normally thrills me and for an instant it struck fear into me. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Wanted to curse the Gods, but fear of offending the savior made me mutter about a dozen different ways to fuck your mother.

I guess I have my dinner date with Melissa to look forward to. I can never be mad around her. She's one of the few people who can make my anger deflate, strip it away to reveal what I'm trying to hide behind that wall. Thank the Gods for it.

P.S. I also want to go see the crystal method but damn if they're not trying to rape us with those ticket prices. I think the shittier the week, the more likely I'll blow the money.

Forty Winks

That song plays in my head. A sweet voice that says: closer to my dreams. It plays like a mantra for me, to remember that I too am going places, doing things. I won't be a fish in stagnant water. I'll be the moon that sways the oceans. The force that guides the wind. When the leaves emerge in spring, I'll be on my way. When the floras in full bloom, I'll be arriving at my destination. On those nights a clear sky illuminates our shadow, know that I did all these things for you. So we could be here, laying in the softness of all our hours like children in long grass. Sharing the symphony of the trees, that gently pluck notes from the strings for us, the conductors.

I have big dreams and a little head,
my mother said wrapping her arms
around my even littler torso.
I'll just have to carry my dreams
in my love handles
was my reply, sliding from her hands.

Anchors

A few of my favorite things.








Credit: Kelly Karnesky

Kelly's been a friend who's stuck it through with me. Even when I was being the alpha bitchasaurs rex. He's made me cry and I've made him bleed. Despite the blood and tears, he's still ranks in the top three on my emergency speed dial list. He asked for criticism once and I said to him I didn't want to model for him anymore if I was going to be one in a million head shots. I felt like I was a little harsh with it but I've since taken that back, he's amazing.

http://www.kellykarnesky.com

Code Blue

I think that heart surgery I had as a child was a flop. They sutured up the hole in the largest chamber, but they neglected to tighten the laces. Consequently emotions don't stick around long. Troubling symptoms arise. As fresh emotions enter my ventricles, they slip through the leak and mix with the used. Thus diluting everything I feel with a touch of the old. My heart sustains me, but serves only to suspended me in this comatose place. I don't have the mechanics to rise into consciousness. Still, this does not distress me. I lack the capabilities to feel even that.

Gung Hay Fat Choi

Each year, I get two beginnings. If I made a resolution I fucked up I at least get another chance to redeem myself. And 2010, I need to cash in that second chance already. This year, the lunar calendar begins February 14th. It will be the year of the tiger, the third animal to finish the race. Would have been second after the ox if the rat had not been so tricky!

Here in the west, astrology is looked upon sceptically. Whereas in the east, these "superstitions" are taken much more seriously. The 12 signs have a significant cultural impact. For instance, my family excuses my behavior because they understand and have come to terms with my "tiger qualities". I am amused to no ends by this sheer acceptance of my (often poor) behavior, while my sister (the snake) is judged on a completely separate set of standards.

Honestly though, my sign is pretty on point with my personality. I am a little savage thing, I come with a lot of intensity, but I'm really sugar sweet if I let you get to know me. While I can be warm and loving, I've got a sharp eye and an even sharper tongue. It's not advisable to be on my bad side, that's where I keep my temper. However, If I love you then I will love you forever. I will move the sun for you if you needed warmth. I'd even give you my vital organs if we are HLA compatible. If we are not, I'd go-a-organ-hunting to sustain you. ;)

In our family, we all get an annual reading at the end of the year for the coming year. It's become ritual - just to check up on fortunes forecast. I listen intently when it comes to my work predictions and have her skip over romance. Even without a yearly report, I can expect this year to be a transformative one. Babies being born, people getting married, graduation, but I'd be a fool to fantasize about romance.

There is a lot for me to think about after graduation. There is even more that I want to do. I'm itching to go places, both physically and professionally. A heavy dread lays itself over me when I think of the possibility my dreams won't come true. Never, I say! By the Gods, I will not let that happen! Didn't I say I was going to wreck that glass ceiling with my forehead? Don't be surprised when broken glass rains down on you.

Death or Glory! Gung hay fat choi (Happy New Year!)

Counting Chickens

I asked quietly. In fear the manifestation of thoughts to words would unravel my wishes. That if I had the nerve the utter it, the will of the world would crush it. So I asked quietly, so softly that the breeze scattered my question in all directions. Collapsing my straw house of desire in one singular puff. And I watched as it all falls down in a puddle at my feet, so quickly that it must have all been a dream.
Because I was out of wishes last night.
I have no more pennies and all the shooting stars have already fallen. There's a mess of broken wishbones around me. It's been ages since that well dried up.
No. I must not have asked out loud. Cabin fever drives us mad here. Delirium looks for shelter, finding cover in my long black hair. I can feel it's breath on my ear. Breathing in the delusion of fantasy, breathing out nothing but raw reality.

Girl Games

I must proclaim, I am a silly thing. The majority of this weekend was spent personally torturing myself with paradox. I was a bundle of distress, both dreading and desiring the same thing: clinical rotations. Silly I am, to want to resist the very ambition I worked my sorry ass off for. Not only did I work myself to tears, I locked myself up to learn these things for it. I dumped boyfriends and girlfriends to make time for it. I spent a solid two days in bed, bawling my eyes out over one math class that almost kept me from this. Nevertheless, I was still a little apprehensive of beginning the next six months. I am quite the nonsensical creature.
I don't think I'll ever get it, but most the time I just need to be thrown into situations. Given ample time to rationalize does me no good. I do not prefer it. I would rather react then reason. I felt myself calm once I got into the cafeteria. It was swimming with white lab coats, scrubs, and stethoscopes. In scrubs myself, I felt like the ratio of faking to making-it was beginning to favor my legitimacy as a professional. Whoa...still feels strange to say that. Part of me will always feel like a student, always learning.
I start my rotation in hematology, which I am happy about. It's still fresh in my mind. Followed by coaguation, urines, chemistry, HLA (human leukocyte antigen), blood bank, microbiology, and serology. THEN, I graduate! To see the light at the end of the tunnel, nicely mapped out on a schedule for me...really drives it home.
Said to my dad today "I'm not a kid no more" and he almost spit on me in his retort. He said of course I'm not a kid, if we were in China I'd be married off. Guess what he neglects to understand is that I will always reserve part of myself for my inner child, the way I will always make room for myself the student. Without these two component of my personality I don't think I could live a happy and successful life. Why does everyone want me to "grow up" and be so serious? They can forsake that idea. I'll be a professional all day, but the night is mine to do as I please and if acting foolish is what amuses me, so be it!