I must proclaim, I am a silly thing. The majority of this weekend was spent personally torturing myself with paradox. I was a bundle of distress, both dreading and desiring the same thing: clinical rotations. Silly I am, to want to resist the very ambition I worked my sorry ass off for. Not only did I work myself to tears, I locked myself up to learn these things for it. I dumped boyfriends and girlfriends to make time for it. I spent a solid two days in bed, bawling my eyes out over one math class that almost kept me from this. Nevertheless, I was still a little apprehensive of beginning the next six months. I am quite the nonsensical creature.
I don't think I'll ever get it, but most the time I just need to be thrown into situations. Given ample time to rationalize does me no good. I do not prefer it. I would rather react then reason. I felt myself calm once I got into the cafeteria. It was swimming with white lab coats, scrubs, and stethoscopes. In scrubs myself, I felt like the ratio of faking to making-it was beginning to favor my legitimacy as a professional. Whoa...still feels strange to say that. Part of me will always feel like a student, always learning.
I start my rotation in hematology, which I am happy about. It's still fresh in my mind. Followed by coaguation, urines, chemistry, HLA (human leukocyte antigen), blood bank, microbiology, and serology. THEN, I graduate! To see the light at the end of the tunnel, nicely mapped out on a schedule for me...really drives it home.
Said to my dad today "I'm not a kid no more" and he almost spit on me in his retort. He said of course I'm not a kid, if we were in China I'd be married off. Guess what he neglects to understand is that I will always reserve part of myself for my inner child, the way I will always make room for myself the student. Without these two component of my personality I don't think I could live a happy and successful life. Why does everyone want me to "grow up" and be so serious? They can forsake that idea. I'll be a professional all day, but the night is mine to do as I please and if acting foolish is what amuses me, so be it!
The Skinny
- Jie Hua
- Detroit, Mi
- I'm in the process. I'd like to expand on that, but it's in the process. I go about my business under the guidance of gut-feelings and universal street signs. I see myself as a very quiet person. Not because I have little to say, only that my abundant thoughts know not where to start. As a child I fantasized about looking through a telescope to give me truth about the world. It amuses me now that what I am doing is looking down a microscope in an effort to reevaluate my holistic position. I am a loner, a drifter, a dreamer.
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