Help me, I'm hit.

I almost died yesterday. Internal, visceral, combustion of the heart, it almost happened. It suddenly dropped in my chest and almost ripped from it's aortic support. The grim reaper came in the form of an e-mail that informed me of a final grade posted; a final grade of incomplete.

I read this e-mail on my break before I was due to take my final practical in blood bank. Lord, I almost died. Getting an incomplete means I don't graduate and commencement is in one week. My grandmother flew in from California to watch her oldest walk. The shame and guilt of having to confess I tripped one step from the finish line would have done me in. It also means I would have to wait until this time next year to redo my rotation in chemistry, my most dreaded subject.

Be like water my friends, but sometimes you only achieve rock status. When something like this comes around and knocks the wind out of me the only way to keep forward momentum is to put it away. Push it all the way down and vacuum seal the bitch to reduce it's volume in your mind. Because my life is busy and I have no time for emotions that hinder my industry.

But to be honest, I had trouble doing that this time. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I wrote down my results and gave my interpretation of the data. I wanted to find a quiet place where I could just cry into my knees - but there was no time for that. After my practical I had to go straight into work and be there for the next six hours. There was no time to cry, thus there was no time to feel. Be a stone cold slab of rock my friend.

Even after I got an email back from my professor saying not to worry, I was still left in this state of shell shock. The grade was only a technicality, since our semester runs differently because of the program, a grade had to be submitted to the university before actual completion. Although I knew I was alright, I no longer felt alright because with chemistry I only aimed to pass. It made me question the strength of my foundation. In the subjects I hate, I lower the bar for myself. As if getting pass it was good enough. With that kind of mentality, what degree of confidence could I claim when declaring my ability to complete the task I set for myself?

My father didn't raise me that way, to only do a job just good enough. So because I know better than to make excuses for myself, I've let myself down. I go through these cycles of being a socialite only to recede into the hermits shell when I feel I'm not working up to par. I think it's time to find some balance, some harmony. It'd do a world of good for my sanity.

Despite whatever gets in my way I will achieve what I say I will. Even If I have to drag myself bloody and broken, I will get myself there. Nothing in the world is easy and if it were I wouldn't want something so cheap. An easy conquest is nothing to write home about and I've been away for so long that when I come home, I will have so many words to live up to.