Synapses Collapse

When you know, you know. I'm in the know and it feels good. My brain is a pile of throbbing mush right now, seeing as I've spent this week beating it with my clinical chemistry text. I never use to have headaches until I jinxed myself by using a definitive. As it is, I can now increase blood pressure by depressing the vein that bulges from my temple. I'm confident about this mornings information regurgitating. I think it might have even raised my grade.

This entire week I've been boo-hooing about the excessive amounts of information I'm being forced to retain. Reference intervals are a bitch. We were pretty much tested on the inside cover of the book and other misc. tables then relate them to a disease or diagnose. Sometimes I feel like getting into my brain is a matter of popularity, some things make it. Others try and try but just won't get through the door. I just have three more things to do now. Take my hematology exam and the written part of the lab then professional practice and finish my writing intensive paper.

My relationship with my brain is comparable to an abusive marriage. I love my brain, I really do. I bring it things I know it'll like, like books (for pleasure) and other stimulus. I take it out to dinner and indulge it's cravings. I'd even massage it's feet if it had them. I love my brain deeply and these things I do, I do in it's benefit. I try to cultivate it as much as humanly possible. At times, even humanly impossible. I'm proud of my brain and I like to show it off... like a trophy wife. Then there are those nights where something else takes the reins and these compulsions override my love. I hurt my brain, knowingly, with chemicals and consensual insomnia.

Like I said, I'm equal parts altruistic and destructive. Is this something I understand? No. I don't think I'm qualified to go there. To reach some places in my cognition require exhaustive clearance. It's locked up so tight. It's been vacuum sealed. The pieces I've collected are only the impressions of shadows on the wall. I'm guessing in the dark and it's placed a sense of calm over me. At least I can accept these catch-22 I so often brand myself with.

I'm beginning to think I need to be stressed out. I'm beginning to think I'm the creator of this mental state I'm in. If not I, no one else. I'm just beginning to think.