Want it, get it, have it.

It's been 26 hours since I've gotten any sleep yet I feel amazing. When life is golden, nothing could break that stride. The forward momentum is reliable enough to get you to where your sights are determined to go. And my feet are moving. They're pushing. They're stomping out a path for any willing enough to follow me in my march towards the girlish dreams I dared to think.

It's crazy, bewildering, breathlessly fucking consuming the way it feels to realize those impossible visions I dreamed up as a little girl in a sad place are not just pipe dreams. I grew up long before I was grown in the grayest of two bedroom homes that didn't allow dreams to be drawn up in color. Dad's utilitarian PVC pipe was enough to purge me of most my fantastical ideas. In secret, I dreamed of being a scientist in a white lab coat gazing beyond the known world through my telescope or a marine biologist sinking into the watery deep to discover beast unseen. I wanted to be a writer, creator of minds and circumstance. I wanted train as a teacher, who's guiding hands molded the minds of the succeeding generations. I wanted to be so many things I never thought possible.

But it is possible. I've grown above myself to see that I have the drive, the ambition to do all these things. Before it felt like what I wanted lay at the far reaches of every corner of this galaxy. Working towards one meant getting further and further from another. A horrible case of not being able able to eat some of that fucking cake clutched in bloody fist. I feel amazing because everything in my life right now is pulling all those distant aims closer so they are surrounding me. Just within sight if not reach. It's the feeling of knowing you're on the right track.

I got the job in the microbio lab! This will be a gold star on my resume for both grad school and MSF. From here all I have to do, minimally, is get my masters and I'll be able to teach at a community college. Advancing to a PhD and it's publish or parish. I could write papers or non-fiction like my hero Carl Sagan (Dragons of Edan, one of my favorite suggested reads). I'm already a clinical laboratory scientist; instead of using a telescope to see the macro universe my microscope is instrumental in viewing the microcosm. Finally, with a more extensive knowledge base in microbiology I could join the team of medical professionals and bring relief to a plagued world. Now, that last one is a dream for sure.

Still, I'm not there yet. I still have a ways to go but I can see it on the horizon. As long as I keep my strides long and my pace steady I'll make it there before sundown.

Reincarnated Lab Rat

It should be noted from now on, the definition for morning has changed in my book. Working midnights has made me flip and body slam my schedule. The new parameters for "good morning" are highly variable and poorly defined. I sleep when I can find sleep and I'm alert when ever it's convenient. I feel like a little nocturnal critter, scurrying around under the cloak of night who nibbles to identify :3 my mousy whiskers tickling your face while you sleep. Eep eep!

My poor social life has taken a hard hit. I missed seeing my girls last night because I couldn't wake up (slept a solid 15 hours). Just the thought of it makes my lip quiver. The homos and home girls in my life add that necessary color and spice. They are the external part of my brain, since they always have something wise to say among all the stupid, silly, funny, and vulgar shit that flies outta their mouths. When the shit in my head swirls around so fast I get nauseous, they're the ones who help me pick apart what's in the vomit and say "hey, maybe it was that undigested piece that did it."

The hardest part about working the third shift is salvaging a routine. For being someone who has lived the last half decade with weeks, even months, outlined ahead of time this lack of a program is a little liberating while simultaneously unnerving. This much freedom to do as I please certainly leaves me flopping around on the shore. I kept my pace by the crack of the whip and without it my steps are too close to make any distance. Still, I am glad for it for it's time to develop and nurture my other side.

By this point, I am still acronym-less. I made the executive decision to postpone my test. Old girl had a moment of Holy-fuck-how-am-I-going-to-make-this-work. I guess the weight of what I had to reacquaint myself with kinda freaked me out and I had to take a few steps back. The biggest chunks of the exam are chemistry, hematology, and microbiology. Then there's a few misc topics like immunohematology (better known as blood bank), immunology, molecular diagnostic, urinalysis, coagulation, and body fluids. I've knocked out most of these with the exception of micro. Son of a bitch. Two weeks will be enough time for me to digest what I've regurgitated.

Eventually, this little lab rat is going to outgrow this little lab cage and it'll be inevitable to search the rest of the Earth's landscape. Detroit was a perfect place for me, it compliments while giving me ample opportunity. It's here I've sat and let my ideals ferment. So one day I'm goin to BUST outta here! But Mother Theresa did say: we can do no great things, only small things with great love. I take that to heart, internalize it, and will try to live with it always present. I am but a stepping stone.