Oi. Life is so hectic. I'd like to say currently, but the case seems to be my life is constantly hectic. There is never any peace and quiet for me any longer. These obligations I have towards my family sometimes drive me insane. Why is it my job to lecture my mother on how to be matronly? Times like this, I just want to puke. I just want to cry. I want to throw a fit and die in a puddle of my own grief. I am not fit to hold the world on my shoulders, but the world seems to think I am capable of that if I get down on my knee. It hurts and I am exhausted now.
In an effort to organize what I call my life, I made a rudimentary web. The exact one I learned how to make in second grade. I even used a red marker. From this bubble labeled ME, are other boxes and shapes thrusting out from it; family, school, work, extra. curr. I wonder how I am to juggle all this shit. I work 2 jobs, am on the executive board for 2 organizations, I have 6 classes, and still have to do research. Looks like somethings got to go. I need to quit my cafe job. Focus it all in the lab. I just need to breath and I can't right now.
I'm worried about my dad. He needs health care and God help me I will smite anyone who thinks they can fuck with my family. Nothing gets me more worked up then my people who try fucking family. I have to act like the wife and mother. Now that my sister is gone, I have nobody to help me with this orchestrating. I need a new phone if I'm going to conduct business efficiently. Then again, my Buddhist principles teach me to go without. I'm choking. My mother is utterly useless. She throws money at me, but money can't buy my piece of mind. I still have to take care of my brother. It's stupid. He no longer even listens to my mother and disrespects my father. I have to be the sister and the executioner. He answers to me because he knows I don't fuck around and I will fucking use his eye sockets as ashtrays. I wish this would all just be over and that my dad is healthy. I hate my family because I love them so much.
The end of the year is drawing near. I say this and it's only the 9th month, but soon a paper will be due atop of all my other course work. I really need to quit midtown. I need to balance my checkbook and reclaim my time. Working at the cafe is not worth it. I only get paid 8 an hour and for the entire time I have to deflect lame come-ons by my coworker. It's a fucking shitshow. The only job that I care about is not paying me right now. Although that is the case, I'm just going to have to be more thrifty. I made up my mind. I'm not wasting my time at Midtown - I'll hustle for some extra cash, but I'm not putting in my time for it.
I have to get myself into see the dentist. I've put off getting cavities filled for at least a year now. So many loops to jump through, I'm bogged down with lactic acid. My mind is all a flutter because every aspect of my life demands so much of me. Fuck this, fuck this, and fuck you. I am about to fucking blow the fuck up in this bitch.
Still, I need to hold it together. I need to paint this perfect picture of my life because that is what society as deemed acceptable. I'm on the E-board for APO and the student rep for the Clinical Laboratory Science program. All this will look good on a resume and so it must be done. Even if I don't make it out of this academic war zone with all my limbs. I need to keep on moving. Life does not care and so, neither should I.
The Skinny
- Jie Hua
- Detroit, Mi
- I'm in the process. I'd like to expand on that, but it's in the process. I go about my business under the guidance of gut-feelings and universal street signs. I see myself as a very quiet person. Not because I have little to say, only that my abundant thoughts know not where to start. As a child I fantasized about looking through a telescope to give me truth about the world. It amuses me now that what I am doing is looking down a microscope in an effort to reevaluate my holistic position. I am a loner, a drifter, a dreamer.
