Want it, get it, have it.

It's been 26 hours since I've gotten any sleep yet I feel amazing. When life is golden, nothing could break that stride. The forward momentum is reliable enough to get you to where your sights are determined to go. And my feet are moving. They're pushing. They're stomping out a path for any willing enough to follow me in my march towards the girlish dreams I dared to think.

It's crazy, bewildering, breathlessly fucking consuming the way it feels to realize those impossible visions I dreamed up as a little girl in a sad place are not just pipe dreams. I grew up long before I was grown in the grayest of two bedroom homes that didn't allow dreams to be drawn up in color. Dad's utilitarian PVC pipe was enough to purge me of most my fantastical ideas. In secret, I dreamed of being a scientist in a white lab coat gazing beyond the known world through my telescope or a marine biologist sinking into the watery deep to discover beast unseen. I wanted to be a writer, creator of minds and circumstance. I wanted train as a teacher, who's guiding hands molded the minds of the succeeding generations. I wanted to be so many things I never thought possible.

But it is possible. I've grown above myself to see that I have the drive, the ambition to do all these things. Before it felt like what I wanted lay at the far reaches of every corner of this galaxy. Working towards one meant getting further and further from another. A horrible case of not being able able to eat some of that fucking cake clutched in bloody fist. I feel amazing because everything in my life right now is pulling all those distant aims closer so they are surrounding me. Just within sight if not reach. It's the feeling of knowing you're on the right track.

I got the job in the microbio lab! This will be a gold star on my resume for both grad school and MSF. From here all I have to do, minimally, is get my masters and I'll be able to teach at a community college. Advancing to a PhD and it's publish or parish. I could write papers or non-fiction like my hero Carl Sagan (Dragons of Edan, one of my favorite suggested reads). I'm already a clinical laboratory scientist; instead of using a telescope to see the macro universe my microscope is instrumental in viewing the microcosm. Finally, with a more extensive knowledge base in microbiology I could join the team of medical professionals and bring relief to a plagued world. Now, that last one is a dream for sure.

Still, I'm not there yet. I still have a ways to go but I can see it on the horizon. As long as I keep my strides long and my pace steady I'll make it there before sundown.

Working overtime on a slow day

First step is first. Redundant? Maybe, but plans gotta start somewhere. I registered for a Spanish class offered to hospital employees from U of D Mercy at a discounted price; HFH will pay for my tuition and books. I really couldn't pass up a deal like that. 3 credits for one time non-refundable payment of $185, no need to haggle even. To work with primeros pasos they wish that we have a good grasp if Spanish so this offer came most serendipitously.

Since the wedding + DEMF will eat up most of my vacation time, this medical trip won't happen until sometime next year. I need to work and save so that I can have a month or more to give. This unavoidable wait period is in many ways necessary, for this time will not be wasted. Besides learning the language and culture the organization could use donations. This gives me an opportunity to collect donations to bring with me to the clinic. The next step is writing my letter of intent.

I think it's time I get back on living life via a planner. At one point it drove me crazy, but these obligations don't come with the same doomed pressure that my academic commitments came with. Besides this little mission I'm on, I have also made time for a small tissue culture lab at a local hydroponic grow shop. I get my book on growing plants in test tubes Thursday and will begin training!

I've come to terms with traits in my personality I use to not understand. It didnt make any sense to me why I was always putting myself under such immense pressures. contradicting as it was to sign on then complain about the work I brought upon myself, I realize now I did this to myself in a you'll-thank-me-later kind of way. When it comes down to it, I preform better under (moderately) stressful conditions. I push myself harder when it feels like do-or-die. In that way my successes are much sweeter when it's just me against the odds. It's just the speed I operate. I'm a deep sea creature accustomed to the weight of water, I don't know if I could survive without it.

Blessings in a bottle

“Be water my friend."

Bruce Lee

Be like water, because water has a way of finding where it wants to be. Drop by drop; water collects where it's needed, replenishing the parched landscape. Water finds a way or it carves it's way through obstacles. In the end water is the element that sustains us, provides for us, and imparts life upon us. I must be like water this year, to have my thoughts and actions become fluid enough to squeeze through the barriers that divide me from my ideals. So that when I have found my way, I'll be right where I am most necessary.

One thing after another has always taken up my attention and the sudden accomplishment of these goals has left me in restless place with a lighter load to carry on my shoulders. Although I work full time (while trying to acquire as much over time as possible) I still feel like I could be doing more with abilities. My “adjustment period” excuse is running low and soon I know that won’t pardon me for long. Now that personal satisfaction is wearing, thin its time to move forward again since staying stationary will put you behind.

All the lessons I have taken from this life speaks of one great human obligation: to altruistically give yourself to others. I've translated this sentiment into my own moral constitution. I believe true happiness is found when one can practices selflessness. Good deeds done with the expectation of praise or fame are in jeopardy of falling victim to discontent, bringing one further away from bliss. Find fulfillment in the contentment of others and you will know what unadulterated love is.

In gratitude to the giants before me, I have a responsibility to actualize the potential I inherited, so that I leave this place better then when I arrived. We are so fortunate to know first world luxuries but seldom we consider the lives of those less charmed. I know what it takes to be of service to the community I live in. I know what it means to be the pillar of support for my family. Still, I have yet to know the global scope of volunteerism and it is that which I strive to comprehend.

I have been researching various medical volunteer abroad opportunities for some time and now it’s just a matter of planning. Saving up vacation days from work and the proper funding while I am overseas is the easy part. I should appreciate this lull in activity for what it’s worth, since the time is now to cultivate my spirit for this endeavor. Personal growth is in order so for the next few months the only traveling I will be doing will be within the corridors of my mind.

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock,
the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."
Buddha